riverdale presents: a hypothetical exploration
these hands know only how to speculate about the most vital musical event of the year
An experiment in cramming unsuitable musical productions into a Riverdale Presents format.
It is with a dawning realisation I come to terms with the fact that Riverdale’s annual musical episode may well be the highlight of my year, as there is seemingly endless potential for bowdlerised performances of commendable pieces of art, which somehow end up transcending this mortal plane in their sheer ridiculousness. A trend has been established in resorting to musicals based off of source texts of iconic teen movies- thus Carriedale and Heathersdale.
But, as I’ve been keen to acknowledge in the past, I think a more ambitious scope is possible. What other, far less clearly Sexy Archie-adjacent musicals may be explored?
Jesus Christ Superstar
Loathe as I am to call Jughead a Christ figure, I am willing to acknowledge the glory in churning up some good old unresolved cancelled summer trip angst, thus requiring KJ Apa to attempt a rendition of Heaven on their Minds. No further comment.
Cheryl as Pilate is so invigorating a concept I'm questioning if Madeleine Petsch is the genuine dream cast of the role.
Actually? Screw it, I can totally cast this one.
JESUS: JUGHEAD
JUDAS: ARCHIE
MARY MAGDALENE: BETTY ... is... is there another woman in this? This is so typically dude-heavy it'd never fly within the gender ratio of a high school theatre class.
PETER: REGGIE, oh god, Reggie
PILATE: CHERYL
CAIAPHAS: HIRAM? You know what I always say: if you're not casting parents in your mentally envisioned Riverdale musicals, then you’re not truly living.
ANNAS: VERONICA?
HEROD: THE GARGOYLE KING
Cats
Veronica could reasonably sing Memory.
Not quite sure what happens in this one. Sorry folks.
Sunday in the Park with George
The gap between a Jughead narration and George- patter is but a small leap.
Assassins
I don't think you can say racial slurs on the CW.
Archie is Czolgosch. Hiram is McKinley. Class struggle!
Is not Evelyn simply just another fictionalised Squeaky Fromme?
Fun Home
There are only two children in the entire town of Riverdale, perhaps the entire state, and at present I am unable to remember the status of either.
Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812
Does anybody beyond Josie have the range? Though this shall be my bid for her to sing no one else at some point in the extended RdCU.
Oklahoma
The recent revival has shown the merits of fully embracing the question of 'but what if it was dark and sexy.' In terms of upping the eroticism and murder in fundamental pieces of American culture, it holds much the same philosophy that Riverdale embodies. Jud-head. Hah!
Exploring themes of small-town isolationism and the hidden dark underbelly of shiny Americana is at the heart of both works, thus I may be so bold as to suggest: Riverdale and Oklahoma are the same thing, actually.
In the case that you're now intensely invested in the question of which shows could be aptly appropriated by Riverdale, you're in luck. The ever-brilliant Zoe's scripts for potential apocalyptically spicy productions of Cabaret and Spring Awakening are truly masterful, and well worth a read.